Beans are good for the heart

Can I be funny after all that? Like seriously, how do farts make us laugh so much? What a disgusting little reminder that your body is basically a rent-controlled apartment building for all the bacterial bums of earth. Bums of earth. Yeah that’s not funny. But seriously, me sitting here, trying at typing this out, I’m just daydreaming some grandma walking farts step by step past my door on her way out. My grandma used to do that. Papaw was the farmer, that didn’t stop mamaw crop dusting all of us like we were moldy lettuce. Maybe its timing. Lack of expectation. Focused in on some other direction. And then a sound that immediately reminds you of butts and makes you cover your nose and forces you into refreshed awareness of the most hidden, shame-ridden, closed off, locked up, unmentionable region of our clumsy bodies. You might even hear and jump in your chair and let out a little butt air all of your own. Disgusting little hairy mouths all singing out at the same time like a church choir, raising spirits and lifting robes and punishing anybody nearby who has a nose. Farts. That’s how I start. Wow. I guess you could say it figures. There’s just something about a fart, and the unavoidable laugh a fart triggers. Drum roll farts on gym floors, the little taps that indicate more, the splatter that makes people ask what’s the matter, that little tuft puff fluff of air, the stifled fart you held inside that rolls around and makes your stomach growl. Also how nobody wants to claim one at all until there’s one dude who super wants to claim it. Always one or the other. You never see someone hesitant about claiming a fart. You’re either cupping it up to someone else’s nose, or you are literally taking it with you into the grave. Farts are good like that. They really show you a lot about a person’s priorities in life. And oh yeah, I almost forgot. Beans.

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